Striving to be Perfect
by Jesus Makes Me Beautiful
Summary: "You are so perfect already," Jacob continued. "So amazingly beautiful and wonderful that you don't have to do this to yourself to prove anything." And then a sad look crossed his face. A disappointed look that was enough to break my heart into one million pieces. "Why didn't you ever tell me you were hurting?" One shot


**A/N this story takes place a few years after Breaking Dawn. **

**Renesmee's POV:**

"Jacob," I called out. I squeezed my eyes shut and took in a deep breath. "Jacob, I need you. Come here."

"What is it?" he asked, laughing playfully as he suddenly appeared in my room. Jacob sat on my bed, looking at me with those adorable eyes. I smiled nervously and sat on the bed beside him.

I promised myself today would be the day. I would tell him my biggest secret, and he would still love me and accept me no matter what. Every day he reminded me how important I was to him, and how could I deny him the truth?

"Renesmee?" Jacob asked me worriedly, getting me out of my trance. "Are you okay? You seem… off."

"I'm alright," I giggled nervously. How could I tell him? I mean, of course he would find out eventually, but it doesn't have to be today. Would Jacob still love me if he found out on his own? Would he still accept me if he knew I had been keeping this secret from him the whole time?

Daddy was the first person to figure this out, of course. All though I was sneaky with my thoughts, he had found out. My father was so disappointed in me, but he promised to help me out.

"Okay, Jacob," I told him, hiding my face in my hair. "Can I tell you a secret?"

He laughed. A gorgeous, wonderful sound that made me brighten up. "Of course, Nessie, you can tell me anything." I smiled. It was nice to know that he cared about me. And then, after a few moments, he whispered in my ear, "What is it? Are you going to tell me, or just leave me here in suspense?"

It was my turn to laugh. I touched his nose with my pointer finger and said, "Maybe. Its adorable when you're clueless." We both smiled. Jacob kissed me. But then I sighed again, and it was a sign that something was wrong, and he knew it. I took in a deep breath. I was ready for him to know.

I pulled up my sleeves to reveal the thousands of scars and marks that I had done to myself. Seeing them now, with Jacob here, I was ashamed of myself.

I squeezed my eyes shut and looked away. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I just wanted to be perfect."

Jacob took my wrists, and instead of the disgust I was expecting, I saw love in his eyes. In his heart. He kissed every scar. Every last one. His warm lips on my fragile skin made me feel something better than the pain I bring upon myself.

"Why?" he asked me, heartbroken. A tear escaped my eyes, and he wiped it away with my hair. I snuggled into him so that he couldn't see my face. And somehow, that one word, made me rethink everything I've done.

Why would I do this to myself? What right do I have to be depressed when so many people have it way worse than I do?

Jacob picked up my face and forced me to look at him. I saw so much love and compassion on his face that something felt as if it had changed inside of me.

"You are so perfect already," Jacob continued. "So amazingly beautiful and wonderful that you don't have to do this to yourself to prove anything." And then a sad look crossed his face. A disappointed look that was enough to break my heart into one million pieces. "Why didn't you ever tell me you were hurting?"

"I thought… I wanted… I… I…" I struggled with my words, trying to pick out the right ones and thinking of the ones that were dangerous to say. "I didn't want to put all this baggage on you and make you feel like you were doing something wrong. Because, Jacob, you aren't doing anything wrong. You're doing something amazing."

It was his turn to smile a little. He put my head in his lap and laid me down.

"I'm not good enough for you," I blurted out.

"You are especially good enough for me. And so much more."

I pulled Jacob's face down to mine and kissed him. Kissed him with passion. With wanting. With sorrow. I kissed him with everything I had and I knew that it felt better than any cut would ever make me feel.

I suddenly got up and made my way to the bathroom. Of course Jacob followed me. I went in and I left the door open so he can join me.

I went into the cabinet above the sink and pulled out razorblades that were coated with my dry blood. I held them in my hands for a second, but then gave them to Jacob. Jacob looked confused for a moment, but then smiled.

"I'm going to try not to cut anymore," I told him proudly, "but you'll need to help me stay strong. Because the urge too will come back."

He hugged me. Razorblades in one hand and rubbing my back with the other. He let go of me and smirked again, cockily.

"I'll be able to help you," Jacob said triumphantly. I laughed a little and kissed him on his cheek. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and he joined me.

"Jacob?" I asked.

"Yes?"

I looked at him with big, hopeful, eyes. "I'm going to make you so proud. I promise."

He stuck the blades in his pocket and smiled. Jacob pulled my sleeves up to my elbows and looked at the damage I've done to myself. Looked at the scars that I could never take back.

"You already have, Renesmee," he grinned, smiling with his eyes as well. "You already have."

**A/N I hope you liked it you guys! This was a one-shot, and reviews would be very well appreciated. Did you love it? Hate it? Constructive criticism is okay too! I love you!**


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